I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
