I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
