Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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