I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
