I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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