Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
