finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
