We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
