How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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