Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
