just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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