Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
