Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize