I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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