Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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