the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
