Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
