I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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