It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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