I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize