I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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