It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
