Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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