i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
