Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize