is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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