He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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