remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
