Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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