I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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