im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
