i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
