You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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