remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
its not stalking. its research.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
