Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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