Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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