he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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