You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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