He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
