if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
