Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
