I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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