6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
