butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
