The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
