i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
