The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
