If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
