I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize