it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
