so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
