guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
