Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize