i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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