i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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