Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
