No awkward lesbian experiences without me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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