There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
