better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
