And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize