I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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