I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
