the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
