What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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