Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
