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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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