WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The air taste purple.
Randomize